Opinion | Biff America: The ‘hole’ truth
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
That declaration by Mark Twain cautions would-be fabricators that once you issue an untruth you are burdened by having to remember that precise fiction for evermore. I will agree that is worthy advice for those with a poor memory. But some folks are gifted with near Rain Man-like recall and can remember their previous fabrications verbatim.
This has been a recent bone of contention in the hovel we call home. The reason being, my wife has a problem with honesty. Early in our relationship this predisposition caused no small amount of conflict. But since those primal days, I’ve learned to love and accept her as she is and live with her habits no matter how frustrating.
My wife doesn’t — won’t — can’t — lie.
This obsession comes in handy when it is time for her to share her feelings or where she hid the chocolates her mother sent us, but it also can be incredibly annoying. The way I look at it, when you sleep with someone, the least they can do is verify your lack of veracity.
I will say sometimes her honesty can be brutal. I’ve stopped asking her opinion of my haircut, dance moves and Tom Waits’ music.
Her response to my question, “How do I look in these Nordic tights?” is enough to make me give up donuts.
This character flaw of hers has become an issue in terms of a recent injury of mine that caused me to have taken a week off from skiing. This damage coincided with what had to be some of the best conditions thus far this winter. Due to the unprecedented quality of snow, skiing seemed to be the prevailing topic of conversation among many of our friends. When I was asked, if I had “gotten out in it,” I would admit that I had not due to a strained muscle in my calf.
When asked the cause of my injury, I mentioned that while backcountry skiing I hit some variable snow which, coupled with poor visibility, caused me to overcompensate, get into the backseat and, as a result, tweaked a muscle in my lower leg. I bet I told that story 20 times without varying any of the details.
Yes, the story was a total lie. Though it also was a victimless crime. No one was hurt; no harm no foul.
All was well until Ellie felt compelled to shatter the myth by revealing the true cause of my injury with a post on Facebook.
The truth is less dramatic and more embarrassing. The truth is, and I’m not kidding here, I was hurt by being humped by a male named Ralph. Now, to be clear, Ralph is a dog and I was not flirting. He belongs to a friend who was working late so I was walking him to get him some exercise and let him check his pee-mail.
He was so excited to play in the snow, in an act of unbridled passion, he sprinted up from behind and mounted me (if I’m not mistaken it was the Kama Sutra position No. 234 with the G variation). Anyone familiar with move No. 234 knows it is very aggressive. So forceful in fact it caused me to post-hole off the trail in deep snow, fall over and pull a leg muscle.
Once Ellie spilled the beans of the truth behind my romantic mishap, as with any great story, that one spread.
So yes, I honestly believe honesty can be overrated. I don’t want to know how I really look while skiing, dancing or skinny dipping. I want to be told that I look great. I don’t want to be reminded of the toll the years take on my appearance. I’d rather live in the illusion of eternal virility. Unfortunately, since my mate is burdened with honesty, I can’t always count on her to reassure my fragile ego and affirm that I am as sexy as the man she married a quarter century ago. For that blind reassurance, I need to look no further than Ralph.
Jeffrey Bergeron, under the alias of Biff America, can be read in several newspapers and magazines. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Biff’s new book “Mind, Body, Soul.” is available at local shops and bookstores or Shop.holpublications.com/products/biff-america-mind-body-soul.
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