Quandary: Wild animals weren’t meant to ride in SUVs
May 27, 2016
Have you ever been tossed in someone's SUV?
Few have tried, but all have failed. You see, this old goat has grit, and they've got the scars to prove it. I don't know if you've seen the recent news, but a baby bison in Yellowstone National Park had to be put down after tourists thought the animal was cold and placed it in their SUV. The animal's family didn't recognize him when he returned and he was ostracized from the herd which ultimately led to his demise.
You know, it used to be that an old goat could wander these hills for days and skittish little humans would watch from a safe distance before continuing on their merry way. Now, you can't go five feet without a selfie stick getting shoved between your horns. When I was a kid, there was a song, "I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee, won't my mommy be so proud of me? Yes, I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee — ouch he stung me." That seemed to be enough of a clue for people to leave the wildlife alone, but now we need to change the words: "Yes, I'm bringing home a baby buffalo, won't the whole world be so proud of me." No. It's unacceptable. You need to leave the wildlife alone.
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In another example of going too far, a back page story earlier this month in the Summit Daily discussed a woman trying to sell her pet bison, which she regularly let in her house. Ranching is one thing, but domesticating is a whole different story. Sure, maybe someone can housebreak a buffalo, but nine times out of ten, the buffalo breaks your house instead.
Clearly, people have become too used to the animals, and we need to come up with some boundaries. Maybe we can start tagging problem sightseers. For every inappropriate animal encounter you have, someone shoots a dart at your butt and you wake up with a new earring, in your neighbor's driveway. Too many encounters? I'm afraid you'll need to be relocated, as you've clearly lost a healthy fear of the animals around you. Antarctica's nice, and there aren't too many animals' lives you could ruin down there, what do you think?
OK, my human relocation plan — Goat Trafficking of Frequent Offenders, as I'm calling it — might meet some backlash, but the bottom line is people and wild animals just aren't meant to be. Interspecies relationships never work out — one of us is bound to get hurt every time. I know, the buffalo was just so cute, but much like the 22-year-old at the end of the bar, you have to think past that first encounter. We're from different worlds, we run in different circles and that's just too much to overcome in this crazy world. I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me. Well, maybe it's you. But hey, we can still be friends.
Quandary, an old and wise mountain goat, has been around Summit County for ages, and has the answers to any question about life, love and laws in the High Country. Have a question for Quandary? Send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org
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