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The laws to live by in Mr. America’s New World Order

In order to maintain marital harmony, my wife and I have negotiated rules of acceptable behavior while I drive and she sleeps on road trips.

NO loud radio. NO country music. NO singing. Turn signals are to be switched off promptly and NO punching the dashboard when listening to Rush Limbaugh.

I am, however, free to daydream and fantasize quietly. The following is a brain game/mental exercise I played on a recent drive across the Nevada desert.



There was a shipwreck. One thousand passengers survived because “their seats turned into flotation devices.” They floated safely to a deserted tropical island.

For some reason (I couldn’t come up with one) there was no hope of rescue. That was the bad news. The good was that the island had water, lots of plant life, edible game, building materials and enough room for all to live comfortably.



The survivors – men, women, children and ancients – were of various races and color. They were of every religion, and some were atheists. The ethnic diversity and the proportion of wildlife to humans matched that of this planet.

Here is the brain game. Being that the survivors are there to stay without help or rescue, what laws were needed to assure success and harmony?

Being a good Democrat, I was tempted to overgovern and legislate a precise code of conduct to assure equity. Instead, I opted for fewer laws and more philosophy.

The miles flew by. Give it a try next time you drive with a sleeping wife. Here are the results of my uneducated efforts.

The law of sustainability: A committee would be created that would monitor resources – water, food, game, and building materials.

By balancing use with availability, the committee would assure the island’s assets were not dangerously depleted. This same committee would keep an eye on the birth rate to make sure the population did not reach a point where the island could not support it.

During times of diminishing food and water, parents would be encouraged not to reproduce. Bringing a child into the world would be considered a privilege and responsibility, not an inalienable right. Yet, knowing full well that the children were the island’s future, those born would be considered an asset to be loved, trained and nurtured by all.

The law of God: All colonists would be free to worship whatever god they choose, though all would be reminded that since the island is composed of many different faiths as well as some nonbelievers, the collective good would take precedent over the edicts of any one religion.

The law of ownership and cooperation: Citizens would be required to respect personal space, privacy and property, though each would be expected to share his or her surplus. My island would recognize that a civilization is only as strong as its poorest members.

Law of sex: Knowing full well that celibacy for some is not healthy (see Catholic Church), any citizen who wishes to trade sex for pineapples would not be faulted. By the same token, island dwellers would be expected to recognize the sanctity of love partnerships. In other words, don’t go offering pineapples to islanders who are married.

Law of tithing: Citizens would be required to give a percentage of their surplus for the greater good of the island and islanders. Those with the most surplus would be asked to give a greater percentage. A vote of the populace would determine the distribution.

I begrudgingly accepted that some sort of police force or militia would be needed to deal with bullies and lawbreakers, but I envisioned, considering the equitable circumstances, a spirit of camaraderie and cooperation.

I decided that my government would not require students to pledge allegiance to my island or engage in public prayer. I wrestled with making a law that would allow only marriage between a man and a woman but then I determined that would be a stupid law. I decided that love was stronger than gender.

I was about to tackle my island’s position on socialized medicine and nuclear disarmament when my mate woke up and demanded food.

Granted, it would be naive to assume the real world could function under the simplistic legislature of my fantasy.

Pandemonium would reign without the armies, allies and saber rattling that dominate the world today. Could a democracy survive without the input of corporations, religions and special interest groups?

Still, I think I made good progress in the time it took to drive from Reno to Ely S

Jeffrey Bergeron, under the alias of “Biff America” can be seen on RSN television, heard on KOA radio, and read in several mountain publications.


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