The Breakdown: Dos Equis and baseball |

The Breakdown: Dos Equis and baseball

Sports editor Bryce Evans

The grass is literally greener wherever it’s played. It’s called our nation’s pastime, because, without it, there would be no way to pass time. Its charm is so contagious, vaccines were created for it.

It’s baseball, the most interesting game in the world.

And the season (officially) starts today.

In case you can’t tell, I’m excited – so excited, in fact, that normal hyperbole just doesn’t do the trick. You see, between the various stats, the length of the year and unbelievable amount of in-game downtime to discuss it all, baseball is hands down the most “interesting” sport for fans. There’s so much to dissect, and unlike football – where most people have no clue what they’re talking about (or looking at) – everyone has a pretty good grasp of what happens on the diamond: Dude throws it, other dude hits it, dude runs, other dudes throw it again.

It’s simple, yet spectacular.

So, in honor of Opening Day, let’s look at the upcoming season through a green-tinted Dos Equis bottle, comparing the world’s most interesting game to the world’s most interesting man.

Here we go …

His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s body. Last fall, the San Francisco Giants climbed atop Brian Wilson’s gnarly facial hair and rode their way to a World Series title. It’s always good to start a season preview with the defending champs, so how will they fare this year? Um, not well, and for one simple reason: They can’t score runs. Sure, Buster Posey’s a stud, their rotation is Grand Canyon deep, and (once he’s healthy) Wilson is as dominant a closer as anyone, but the Giants simply won’t have the run support to back up their improbable run last year.

Sharks have a week dedicated to him. This summer, everyone will be (once again) reminded of the fact that Seattle is a cursed sports town. Reigning AL Cy Young winner Felix Hernandez will be the talk of the summer – not so much for his incredible pitching, but for his impending and permanent trip he’s likely to take to the East Coast. He will be a New York Yankee before the trade deadline, and if he isn’t, well, we’ll have heard so much about it, we’ll wish they would’ve traded him.

He bowls … overhand. Want an early pick for the National League Rookie of the Year? Try Aroldis Chapman, the flame-throwing righty for Cincinnati. The kid (he’s only 23) hit 105 on the radar gun last year. 1-0-5. And he’s going to be a middle reliever, meaning the pressure won’t be too strong for him.

He is the life of parties he has never attended. Even though he hasn’t played since 2006, talk of Barry Bonds and his perjury trial will plague the early going of the season. It’s a waste of tax payer dollars (estimated at $6M) and just a waste of time. Still, it could be worse …

He once punched a magician. That’s right, you heard me. Miguel Cabrera, Detroit’s bomb-blasting first baseman, had a rough start to spring training with his bizarre DUI arrest and subsequent punishment. Yet, some are still picking him as an AL MVP candidate. As long as he just swings at the ball in the middle, he’ll be alright.

Even his enemies list him as an emergency

contact. Albert Pujols – and his lack of a contract – will be a focal point around the league this summer. Some people are thinking the Cardinals might dump him rather than pay him; others think he’ll sign once the season’s done. Either way, one thing’s for certain: The guy can rake, and in a contract season – where he’s trying to convince people he is, in fact, only 31 – I’m sure he’ll put up his monster numbers.

He owns four sports cars … and rents five. Colorado’s dynamic duo of Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez got paid this offseason – and they’ll have enough money to put their great, great, great grandchildren through college. Now, the question is whether or not they can live up to those dollar signs. Well, you can take this to the bank – they will.

He’s won trophies for his game face alone. Wouldn’t it be great if teams could too? Or at least, it would be nice if they could win as payment for the years of misery they’ve suffered. Yes, I’m whining about the Cubs. Although, I’ve got to say, I’m feeling it for my Northsiders this year. Heck, I’ll even go out on a limb here: If the Cubs don’t win, I’ll buy you a drink.

So, stay thirsty, my friends.

Sports editor Bryce Evans may not be the most interesting columnist in the world, but he can speak fluent French, in Russian. His personality is so magnetic, he’s unable to carry credit cards.

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