The Breakdown: Handing out some holiday cheer |

The Breakdown: Handing out some holiday cheer

summit daily news
Summit County, Colorado
Sports editor Bryce Evans

One of the best parts of the holiday season is the gift giving. No matter your religious affiliation, it just seems that this time of year is a good time to give back to those people that have impacted your life.

And there’s no better place to look for gifts than America’s longest-running catalog Hammacher Schlemmer. In case you’re unfamiliar with the publication that’s been around for more than 161 years, it’s basically a catalog full of bizarre and interesting items like a touchscreen Rubik’s cube or a video camera pen.

It’s pretty awesome.

Anyway, sifting through the catalog the other day, I found some great items that we could give to some of our favorite athletes. Here they are:

The Digital Photo Album Watch. This wonderful gift – for only $99.95 – is a normal-looking wrist watch at first glance, but a closer look reveals it can display 120 photos on its one-and-half inch screen. This is a great gift for someone who often travels or has a hard time seeing his or her family. Who are we giving it to? Tiger Woods. In light of recent events, it seems that Tiger is about as welcome around his wife and kids as Michael Vick is at Petsmart. Besides, the watch will help tell him when his next date is.

The Wearable Blanket. Similar to a Snuggy, this wonderful red-plaid item fastens around the user to “maximize thermal efficiency.” It’s a steal at $49.95 and is a great gift for someone who will spend the cold, winter months on their couch watching football. I think this is a perfect gift for former Notre Dame head coach Charlie Wise. He’ll have plenty of time on his hands in the upcoming playoffs and bowl season to just lounge around the living room flipping between games. Plus, there might not be a funnier image than Wise wrapped up snug in his Wearable Blanket, watching the Irish in a bowl. Whoops, never mind.

The Headache Relieving Wrap. Who needs to pop a few Advil when you can just put on this amazing headband that puts a “soothing, consistent pressure” to relive your migraines and tensions. Only $49.95. Now, there are many people that could use such a thing, and we’re going to give it out as a group gift to every fan of the Detroit Lions. Hopefully, Hammacher Schlemmer has three of them in stock.

The Women’s Bamboo Lounger. For a mere $89.95, this 48-inch robe wraps your body in “luxurious softness.” It seems perfect for that women in your life that needs to just unwind at the end of the day in clothing made from bamboo. And it’s a great gift for expecting mothers – like Manny Ramirez. Oh, wait, he’s not really pregnant? Then why was he taking all those fertility drugs?

The Pump Action Marshmallow Blaster. Only available through Hammacher Schlemmer, this one-of-a-kind gift pneumatic gun blasts “sweet, edible” marshmallows up to 40 feet – for only $19.95! It’s possibly the coolest thing I found in the magazine, therefor we have to give it to a very deserving person. I’m picking Broncos coach Josh McDaniels. I’m absolutely amazed with the job he’s done with a fairly shakey roster. Even though Denver has yet to solidify its playoff spot (and is likely heading for an early exit from the postseason anyway), McDaniels should be a candidate for coach of the year.

There were a few other items that I saw that could fit well for some other athletes: The Plantar Faciitis Orthodic Sandal (Eli Manning), The Genuine Black Sheep Sweater (Jamarcus Russel) and The Million Germ Eliminating Travel Toothbrush Sanitizer (Alex Ovechkin).

It feels good to give. Happy Holidays!

Support Local Journalism

Support Local Journalism

As a Summit Daily News reader, you make our work possible.

Now more than ever, your financial support is critical to help us keep our communities informed about the evolving coronavirus pandemic and the impact it is having on our residents and businesses. Every contribution, no matter the size, will make a difference.

Your donation will be used exclusively to support quality, local journalism.

For tax deductible donations, click here.

Start a dialogue, stay on topic and be civil.
If you don't follow the rules, your comment may be deleted.

User Legend: iconModerator iconTrusted User