The Breakdown: Life, the universe and Twinkies |

The Breakdown: Life, the universe and Twinkies

summit daily news
Summit County, Colorado
Sports editor Bryce Evans

Most things I do are a complete waste of time.

I spent about 20 minutes last week arguing with a buddy about how a fourth-down play in a football game should’ve been spotted differently. The game took place in September 2009.

I re-watch SportsCenter to the point I know which highlight – and which corny joke – is coming next; I read columns about sports I don’t care about; I watch games in sports I don’t care about; I yell things at the TV during games in sports I don’t care about.

And that’s just sports-related things.

Recently, I argued with my wife about the merits of Twinkies, especially in comparison to other Hostess products. I love Twinkies, both for their delicious whipped centers and their incredible shelf life. She doesn’t share my enthusiasm for a treat that has more preservatives pumped into it than Jerry Jones’ face.

But, it’s a well-known fact that if we were engulfed in nuclear war, one of the only foods that could survive such attacks would be Twinkies.

(Note: I may have made that up.)

Either way, you could buy a box of 12 Twinkies, eat only one a month and not worry about them going bad before you finished them off.

(Note: That’s probably not true either.)

Normally, I end arguments (especially between my wife and I) with a ridiculous claim that makes little sense but will normally give me the last word. (That is, unless you count her calling me an idiot.)

In the case of the Twinkie debate, I told her that life would be better if everything were more like Twinkies. The reason being, that every good thing, such as a golden-brown, whip-cream-filled piece of sponge cake, could last for as long as you wanted – or until you eat it, thus fully enjoying every bit of its existence.

Anyway, this has nothing at all to do with sports. But, I was thinking there must be a slew of athletes, coaches, managers, owners, fans, etc. who all wish their good runs could last for ever, or at least until they were able to get every last crumb of joy out of it.

So, here’s a new segment to this column that I’m going to call “If life were like a box of Twinkies.” Each item will start with that phrase. Why you ask? I told you I like wasting time.

Here we go …

If life were like a box of Twinkies …. Brad Childress would still be the coach of the Minnesota Vikings, Brett Favre would still look more like an NFL player than the other Wrangler models do, and people would still wonder if Leslie Frazier was the name of the guy from the “Naked Gun” movies. It’s amazing how fast this Nordic ship sunk. Then again, if you had told me four years ago that an over-40 Brett Favre would play for the Brad Childress-led Vikings and somehow come within one play of reaching a Super Bowl – only to lose to New Orleans – last season, I probably wouldn’t have believed that either.

If life were like a box of Twinkies … Vince Young could’ve stayed at Texas for eight more seasons, run up all the records he wanted and retired on the money he earned as a Longhorn. Then, we could remember him for the zone-reading, title-winning, greatness-inspiring (did I miss any other superlatives, Texas fans?) signal caller he was, rather than the pouty mope who can’t read basic coverages or seem to manage a game plan even though he has one of the two best running backs of the last 10 years in his huddle.

If life were like a box of Twinkies … Albert Haynesworth would eat life.

If life were like a box of Twinkies … LeBron James wouldn’t have had to change his back tattoo from “Chosen One” to “One … of the Boys.”

If life were like a box of Twinkies … Randy Moss would still be with the Vikings, or, I mean, the Patriots, or maybe Oakland, or even the Vikings from the first time around.

If life were like a box of Twinkies … Tiger Woods could still be dominating golf, Phil Mickelson might not need a bra, the Big Ten could still be a contender for the BCS crown, Chad Ochocinco wouldn’t be allowed to change his name to incorrect Spanish, the Broncos would still be relevant outside of Denver and discussions about Tim Tebow, and Al Davis would still be alive.

And, finally, if life were like a box of Twinkies … you probably wouldn’t feel as bad for wasting the last few minutes reading this.

Want to waste even more time? Follow Bryce on Twitter at

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