Biff America: Seeking iron ladies (column) |

Biff America: Seeking iron ladies (column)

I’m sick of the rancor. This nation is as divided as I have ever seen it; and I’ve lived through Bay Of Pigs, Vietnam War protests, Watergate and Dan Quayle adding an “e” to the spelling of potato.

Those days were a love fest compared to what is going on now. We don’t argue policy; we assassinate personalities. Rather than look for solutions, our leaders offer talking points and don’t even bother to lie convincingly. Certainly the ebb and flow of the reins of power from party to party is expected and part and parcel of that has always been a degree of partisanship; but not like this.

Your political persuasion factors in where you might lay blame. The right blames the left, the left blames the right, and POTUS blames Hair Club For Men.

I blame women.

I am not a misogynist — a woman hater — just the opposite. I feel, when compared to men, the female gender is generally smarter, almost always more sensitive, usually more reasonable, and (if you exclude my wife) a better judge of character.

Women are less violent, more rational and constitute only 14 percent of the prison population. Of course they are not perfect. Most don’t love “The Three Stooges,” and almost all have an obsession with dancing at weddings. They more than make up for that by a willingness to marry older, less attractive men, and with having the patience and education to correct my spelling and punctuation.

With all those attributes, and the fact that they make up the majority of the population, you’d think they’d be in charge of the world. It is true that during this recent midterm election they have made huge political equality progress, but there is still only a slightly larger percentage of women in the Senate than in prison.

Since women comprise over 50 percent of the population, if they simply voted for every female who ran for office, we would soon be a matriarchal government.

The sad truth is that women don’t vote for women; they vote for the person who they feel is best for the job. This is just another example of what’s wrong with the gender. We know that many men will not vote for a female, whatever her qualifications are, yet many women insist on voting their conscience. That is why the U.S. ranks 33rd in the world of high-income countries in the representation of women in national legislature.

According to a recent Gallop poll, 42 percent of Americans, male and female, feel a man is better suited to be president. Those statistics would suggest that at least some of the female population is anti-women.

Each gender has its own particular strengths. Men are stronger, larger, more violent and willing to have sex while stuck in traffic. Women are kinder, more thoughtful, less prone to brutality and often go their entire lives without ever lighting a fart. Who do you think is more qualified to run the world?

I’m uneducated, likely to bend the law and often callous to the feelings of others. My wife went to a good college, won’t drive even after one glass of wine and cried when our dog got neutered. Despite her qualities and my lack thereof, if it weren’t for those pictures of me taken at a Wesson Oil party in the early ‘70s, I have four times the chance of being elected to the Senate. Why? Because, though I’m semi-lazy, slightly kinky and occasionally comatose, I’m a dude.

Things are beginning to change but not nearly quickly enough. What I am convinced of is that the fate of the world’s peace and prosperity is in the delicate hands of the fairer sex. So I say to the women of the world, the power is yours; please seize it. Sure, ruling the planet will not be easy. There are big shoes to fill. But the stakes are high. Look no further than the words of two world leaders — one current, one recent, and both conservative — who would you trust with the nuclear code?

“Being powerful is like being a lady … if you have to tell someone you are, you aren’t.” Margaret Thatcher (The Iron Lady)

“I love beautiful women and beautiful women love me.” (I’ll let you guess who said that — no it was not me)………………..

Jeffrey Bergeron, under the alias of Biff America, can be read in several newspapers and magazines. He can be reached at Biff’s new book “Mind, Body, Soul.” is available at local shops and bookstores or

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