To: Colorado Congressional Delegation
From: Stump County Logging Industry Preservation Society
Re: Grant Proposal

First of all, let me express our sympathy and support for the National Forest Disservice in the face of proposed budget cuts and reorganization. The agency’s dual-purpose fuel- and shade-reduction projects are particularly ingenious. By cutting down and burning dead trees along recreational trails, they eliminate shade needed by insidious spruce and fir seedlings (climax species that require no management). This also exposes the remaining live trees to anticipated climate-change-enhanced wind storms so as to blow down many of them, thus greatly multiplying the effectiveness of their efforts. With many of these trees falling across the trails, the path to further treatment contracts is clear.

A recent visit to one of these projects highlighted this effectiveness, with numerous live trees already down across the just treated trail and the upper portion of the trail nearly impassable. A particularly ingenious detail of this project was placing a burn pile on top of one of the previously most nefariously reliable orchid patches in the county. These orchids were previously known to attract aged flower children and other vulnerable populations, thus inspiring our proposal. 

We will build a greenhouse to house flowers and birds, otherwise necessitating trips into the forest to see. Our members are already stepping up to fund the greenhouse, so no public funding would be required. But we would need assistance with security for the facility. We therefore are asking for a $1 billion grant for “security adjustments and upgrades.” The upgraded facility would save countless lives by eliminating the need for nature lovers to venture into the deep dark woods where they could be attacked by wolves. We greatly appreciate your attention to this noteworthy proposal.